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This may sound unusual, but scheduling sex is truly the best way to keep the sex alive in a long-term relationship. I know, I know. Everyone essentially says the opposite and those who agree appear to have the most boring sex lives known to (wo)man. We see so much pressure being put on вЂњspontaneityвЂќ and вЂњdoing it when you feel like it,вЂќ etc.
This leaves very little room for other important factors: different libidos, busy schedules, the need for orgasms in healthy pair bonding, and so on. Sex is a critical component of happy relationships, so if sticking it on the calendar is going to make it happen, it's going on the calendar.
Scheduling sex is often what you need. Trust us, we're experts. Here is why you should be scheduling sex in your long-term relationship. You can thank us later.
You Take Care of the Problem Before It's a Problem
вЂњWe don't have enough sex.вЂќ вЂњThere isn't enough sex.вЂќ вЂњMy partner wants to have too much sex and I'm just not into it.вЂќ These are common sexual concerns in a relationship. Inevitably, someone will be dissatisfied with the amount of sex they are having or not having-it just happens.
Get ahead of the curve. You may think you're having all the sex in the world right now and have nothing to worry about. We're not saying that trouble lies just around the corner, we're simply suggesting you prepare for a potential issue.
Get ahead of the wall that all couples usually hit by having a specific time when you have sex. You can always have more, additional sex, as well. Whether it be right before bed, in the morning, or right after work-be aware of it. You don't have to mark the calendar if you don't want to and you don't need to constantly discuss it with your partner. Just set that time aside and stick to it.
One Partner Will Always Have a Lower Libido Than the Other
It's rare that both you and your partner will have the same libido. More often than not, one person wants more sex and the other less. This may change over time. You may want more sex at a certain point in your life and later want less.
Either way, you want to keep the spark alive and the heat hot. If you have scheduled sex, you'll be sure you're having enough of it. Be sure to check in with your partner. One of the downfalls of long-term relationships is not talking about your wants and desires. Be sure to openly and honestly discuss all things sex-related to ensure all needs are met.
Carving out Time Means You'll Actually Do It
When we're busy with schedules, kids, work, and the rest of life's responsibilities, sex naturally takes a back seat in many relationships. When you've got a lot going on, sex can feel frivolous, like dessert. Stop: sex is not dessert-it's the main course. We must never forget that, no matter how crazy life gets.
If you make a schedule, you'll reinvigorate the importance of sex and actually take time to do it. You don't have to stick to the same time-maybe for one year, mornings are the best, and perhaps the next year, evenings are most convenient. It doesn't have to be every single day. If one or two times per week works for you and your partner, stick to that game plan. Just be sure you're doing it on the regular.
Who Says a Time Frame Kills the Sexy?
The thing I hear from readers and clients the most when I make the sex schedule suggestion is their fear that it will take all the fire out of the sex and make it feel boring and obligatory.
This is all in the eye of the beholder. If you think about scheduled sex as a pain-something boring and deflated that you don't want to do-it is going to be just that.
Just because you've put sex on the calendar, doesn't mean it needs to be as sexy as oatmeal. Use this time to explore new sexual terrain. Try new things and get creative-maybe introduce some new sex toys or bondage. Don't be afraid to get weird-you have the time. Literally. Your calendar says so.
Scheduling sex is not supposed to be a laborious, exhausting thing designed to keep you trapped in a miserable marriage. It is just the opposite-an opportunity for you to amplify your sex life and build upon your sexual repertoire. Scheduling is the new sexy-embrace it.
Gigi Engle is a sex educator and writer living in Chicago. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @GigiEngle.